Hi.
This letter is addressed to the members and mod team of AASD. If you don't know what AASD is, you will just waste your time reading this.
I think anyone deserves to know the story from my side. I'm referring to everyone here at the third person. I did not get authorization from anyone else involved in this text to share it, so make sure to avoid sharing it publicly. For now it remains visible on this link.
There is a lot to unpack here. Please read entirely before commenting. A lot of details are incorrect, and get corrected later on. Finally, while I try to be as accurate and objective as possible, keep in mind this is only from my, Cleridwen's, point of view. Life isn't black and white. Make sure to hear about the situation from other people before forming an opinion, or picking a side in a conflict that most likely isn't yours to take part in. ironic, I know
Please, please, please, do NOT send hate anyone who is or isn't mentioned in this document. This would only make things worse for everyone.
update: I made a small discord server with a few friends, because I find that more convenient than using DMs. If you are from AASD and want to keep in touch with me as well as a few familiar members, feel free to join.
2FEHp2Hx9V
Setup
Over the past few months, I started growing close to Moon (Pasta). I know they were struggling a lot with anxiety, due to past experiences from getting online too young, as she said herself. Over that time, there was the mention of an unresolved problem on AASD. Something about Number (034) being creepy. I heard about it first as a passing mention, then, more recently, as a real problem that was still causing Moon pain to think about.
So, as Moon talked about it from time to time, I got to learn more about the issue. Something about Number being creepy towards Moon, but also other minors, such as Jimmy and Fate. EDIT: I have been informed that Jimmy isn't a minor. That's only what I've been told. Maybe I misinterpreted some info. Moon said he had called her his "daughter" or "princess", which was uncomfortable. I remember Moon being very angry that, despite a whole Google Doc of evidences and screenshots, the mods never took action and ignored her reports, which had made her become barely active on AASD.
I got shown a few screenshots of the things Number said, which seemed pretty mild out of context. I remember then going on AASD, searching for these things myself, and indeed finding some messages from march 2019 to October 2020, which out of context looks more like a friendly nickname given to someone else, but nothing alarming; but, I had already been put in this atmosphere where Numberboi was being creepy to minors, and so that's not what went through my mind when I saw these; I thought they only confirmed what I was being told.
Deleted messages
Fast forward to, few months later, I believe, 2021-12-09. We were talking about number again, and to refresh my memory at those messages, I tried to search them again. However, there wasn't any result. Confused, I tried with another query, only to find two results, when I was sure there had been much more. I talked about it with Moon, who was surprised to see that too. Suddenly, I was certain I had stumbled upon something. It wasn't an old case anymore. It was something that was still going, and it was serious enough to Number for him to want to delete old evidence out of fear.
This only confirmed what I thought; this issue needed help resolving. Moon gave me access to the Google Docs containing the "evidence", some screenshots and text explaining the situation. I glanced over it, saw a few things that only confirmed my bias towards antagonizing Number, as well as the mod team for never taking action over this.
I still wanted to be sure I wasn't wrong. I sent a DM to Emerson (Em, moderator), asking if AASD had a deleted message log, the kind of thing used for moderation purposes, in the hope that they could tell me if Number did indeed delete these messages and when, saying I knew someone had deleted old messages that could be used as evidence against them, and I wanted to be sure. They did confirm that AASD had a log for that, and asked me if it was about Number, when I never mentioned his name before, which made me think that the issue was something big, that everyone knew, and never did anything about. I thought part of the mod team was corrupted or at least biased, because Number was an old member, and friend with some of it, pressuring from the inside for no action to be taken against him.
We talked about the issue a bit more. Emerson confirmed to me that the mod team had heard of the issue, and never took action on it, also telling me that the informations in the Google Docs weren't really enough to justify a ban of some sort. I felt more like the mod team wasn't going to do anything about it, and I had to do something while I knew about these deleted messages.
One thing to note, is that, during this discussion, we both got sidetracked, and never did Emerson tell me or even checked if the messages were indeed deleted or not.
Blackmail
I got the idea of sending a message. A warning of some sort; something telling Number that we knew the messages were deleted, and that he shouldn't do that, because that would only be more evidence that would be used against him. I talked about this with Moon, who approved the idea, but ultimately, it was my idea. I made a random account, wrote the message, tried to not sound too aggressive, even cut some part which I considered too threatening or belittling. This all took a few days, but ultimately, I got the final text reviewed by Moon to make sure it would be anonymous enough, then joined AASD with the account in order to DM Number, and did so on 2021-12-11, at 21:14 UTC+1 (Number and I's timezone).
The message started with a warning that the following paragraphs would touch on sensitive topics, the rest of it being spoilered. Said that this account was created to send an anonymous message. Contained a paragraph about how In the past, members have been made uncomfortable by your actions toward minors, then one about the deleted messages, stating please note that anything that you have deleted, and will chose to hide or delete in the future, on AASD or elsewhere, can and will be used against you as further evidence, and ending on a part about people suffering from child abuse online, itself ending on a note that if the reader found themselves participating in such actions, we are urging you to talk about it with a therapist. There is a way out..
About two hours later, Emerson asks me in DMs, visibly panicked, saying that someone dmed 034 on an anonymous account, about something that I myself asked Em about, just a few days ago (the deleted messages). I had planned to stay anonymous, and contemplated the option of denying it for a moment. But quickly realized all the evidence were against me, and denying it would only make things worse, so I admitted sending the message to Em. They told me the mod team was furious. They left me a few minutes of grace for me to take my responsibilities and admit it, which I didn't want to do, but then insisted that they were pressured by the mod team to tell them it was me, and would do so if I didn't so it myself quickly.
Back to reality
I started falling back down on earth. Quickly getting feedback from everyone about the issue I so severely took part in, when I only had heard about it from a person or two before. So I wrote a quick summary of what happened. Saying I felt like I got tricked into antagonizing Number and the mod team, on an issue that wasn't mine. I got told that the issue was known by the mod team. That Number had been faced with it over a year ago, and stopped since. But a few of the people involved, like Jimmy, kept harassing the mod team about it.
Thist quickly turned into the worst mistake I had ever done in my life. I realized how wrong I was. How much I was led and led myself to believe there was a good and a bad. How much I dipped by toes up to my neck in an issue what wasn't mine. Number had never harrassed anyone or caused anything that could be labelled as child abuse on AASD. The mod team had already talked many times about the issue, and concluded that the current "evidence" wouldn't justify an aciton against Number. Which had caused Jimmy and Moon to participate, more or less consciously, into a witch hunt, to try to find more evidence. Witch hunt which I took part in. I interpreted the slightest hint of something happening, and decided it was enough to revive the issue without realizing what I was doing. I led myself to believe the mod team wasn't here to help. I didn't try to get other people's point of view on the topic, not even Number's.
Number never deleted any message. Nothing. Nor did Discord glitch out. I only did bad search queries, and interpreted them as proof without checking anything. I was so biased, convinced there was a bad guy in the story, that I took it as evidence. In fact, there is no bad guy. No one is. Number was my friend. I loved him. I still do. I don't know to which extent I and Moon got manipulated by Jimmy, Moon's anxiety, or anything else, but this was all a long lasting personal discourse between a few people I took part in without thinking enough.
Things have already been tense for a while due to self deprecation, but in the matter of a few hours, I had lost the trust of the entire mod team. I lost access the place I held the dearest in my heart.
I had blackmailed a friend I loved.
I apologized to Number, and to the mod team. But no words can describe how bad I feel about all of this. We didn't talk extensively about it. I talked about it with moon, who agreed that everything was a terrible idea and should be left behind.
In under a day, I lost everything. I lost the place I cared the most in my whole life, and felt the safest in. I lost the trust of dozens of people.
There is no rebuilding this. I can never come back there. I will never be welcome. There may be people who care about me, but I will never get to spend time with them. AASD was my home. I had friends because we had things in common and liked each other, but also because we could hang out together on AASD. Now we can't. I'll never get to share memes with them. To talk about aspec stuff. To rant about politics, heteronormativity, or whatever. To participate in the party games nights. To support each other.
I can't make all my friends come back to another place. Even if I did, it would never work. There would never be this safe and caring ambiance. There would never be all these people that I wasn't exactly friend with, but all added a lot on the community by their presence. There would never be this flow of like-minded people coming, sometimes becoming a new active member, at least for a bit. AASD was a once in a lifetime miracle. It happened when I needed a place the most. It was an amazing and friendly place. I received so much from this community. And I ruined it.
But now is the end. I destroyed the only life that still mattered to me, my online life. There is nothing left for me.
It was nice knowing you all while it lasted. It really was.
Claire
Please, please, please, do NOT send hate anyone who is or isn't mentioned in this document. This would only make things worse for everyone.
Created 2021-12-12 - Minor edits on 2021-12-13
some people told me to try to find or build a new community and not to give up. it's hard and I don't believe in it. I don't miss anything more than aasd. but if you care, here's a small clone of it for me to cope with my friends https://discord.gg/2FEHp2Hx9V